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| Entenmann's Glazed PopEms sugar-coated baked goods Entenmann's website says of these donut-hole products: "These sweet treats are perfect for popping in your mouth," which is true, but is not the whole story (no fucking pun intended), not by a long shot. Specifically, it fails to convey the lack of choice you will have in the matter of whether or not to pop another one in your mouth. These objects obliterate any cherished notions you may have about "free will"; they audibly mock your notions of self control, sounding like a box full of Gremlins from the movie Gremlins (the bad kind, the eat-after-midnight green scaly kind). In fact, I think it's clear that Popems are a baked tribute to Gremlins. (That sounds stupid. I really wanted to say that the other way around, that Gremlins are a metaphorical tribute to Popems, the fevered catharsis of a Hollywood screenwriter after he couldn't get a hold of his OA sponsor and ate five boxes in half an hour. But temporal reality is a spoilsport, because unlike Gremlins, Popems didn't exist until the late 90s.) (Somewhere in this oblique-ass review I should point out that I think Popems taste really good. After all, you never know when an Entenmann's rep could be trolling the web for the perfect recipient of the golden Free Popems For Life coupon.) I guess Entenmann's is a local brand, limited maybe to the East Coast, or the Northeast, or NY and PA. Count your blessings, desperate housewives of Privet Drive! Remember that slogan "once you pop you can't stop?" It was for a potato chip or something, and though it's gross to eat a whole bag (or tennis can-full) of fried potato slivers, a box of Popems is as heavy as a dictionary, and is made of sugar, lard, and highly addictive drugs. I'm not sure exactly how their scientists came up with the perfect mixture of nicotine, heroin, and crack cocaine, and I'm not sure how they circumvented FDA labeling regulations that should have required them to list these ingredients on the box -- or, for that matter, various laws making two of those ingredients illegal. And are they even allowed to put nicotine in food? Somehow I doubt it. But it is the only explanation for the effect Popems have on certain humans. A chemical "perfect storm." A chemical "dream team." A chemical supergroup, the Damn Yankees or Traveling Wilburys of the bakery aisle! Fuck. I am so horny for Popems right now. | |
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4/09/2006 • link •
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| rating | approximate meaning |
| 10.0 | Godlike perfection |
| 9.5 | Mortal perfection |
| 9.0 | Great! Classic! |
| 8.0 | Pretty awesome |
| 7.0 | Good stuff |
| 6.0 | Don't knock it 'til you try it |
| 5.0 | Exactly half good and half bad |
| 4.0 | If it's on sale... |
| 3.0 | Last resort |
| 2.0 | You might prefer root canal |
| 1.0 | Contact could lower your I.Q. |
| 0.0 | May cause cancer |
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13 comments:
Yep. I can confirm that I consumed many an Entenmann's donut while growing up in St. Louis, Missourah. The Devil's Food Crumb Donuts are the most evil. http://entenmanns.gwbakeries.com/product.cfm/upc/7203000131
So evil, in fact, that I went to the damn website to look them up. Evil.
We have Entenmann's in California too.
Maybe they're mostly East of the Mississippi? Or East of the Rockies? I just feel like I mentioned them in California and people were like "Enten-Whaaa?"
We have Entenmann's in Toronto. Although I don't recall ever seeing Popems.
Whoops. Just saw the California comment. I was going to include a sentence in the original post about how I said "I guess... maybe" about their national availability because I couldn't do any actual research about it, having spent my entire research time-budget on... but then my imagination fell apart and I couldn't think of anything funny to have spent my time on insead of research. My brain was too full of Popems to be funny.
They are in Illinois, too. One of the factories is in the far west suburbs. And yes, there is a factory store.
We have them in Texas, too!!!
when i was a senior in high school (1994-5) in NJ, i used to keep a box of glazed popems in my shitbox car and eat them on the way to school. in the winter they were cold and SO FUCKING GOOD. try refrigerating a few to see what i mean.
now i live in LA and they have them here too but my metabolism is not the same as it was 11 years ago so i don't buy them very often.
you know what i DO buy often? jamba juice. last week, they mass-mailed to free smoothie coupons to all of LA in order to promote their new all-fruit smoothies.
we have popems AND many jamba juice locations. who says LA blows?
You made a "they must put crack in these" joke. Those are the worst jokes EVER, DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!! BLEEEEGCHCKKTCHC.
Maybe it's Freihofer's that's local? I always get those two mixed up. I've actually given this matter a great deal of thought before. Sad to say.
We have Entenmann's in the Pacific Northwest as well. They are pretty much all over, it seems.
They're in the UK too, in supermarkets.
I like the glazed chocolate Popems. Mmm.
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